The anxiety is suffocating…..debilitating. Oliver is tentatively scheduled to have his 3rd open heart surgery next summer. I realize this is almost a whole year away but I can’t help but feel scared for that day. It is always on my mind and I can’t escape it. Everyday I get choked up and my eyes fill with tears at least once. In some ways it would be nice to do it now and get it over with. However, that is not an option. Ollie needs to be big and strong so the shunt they place will last him a long time.
I find myself worrying every day if he is going to live a full life. I have felt at peace with this since he was just a few months old, so I am having a hard time coping with these feelings again. I am racked with guilt when I put him to bed each night. I think, are the times I get to do this numbered? I know this sort of thinking is not healthy, but unfortunately it is the harsh reality. I feel torn between being a good parent and having him on a strict schedule, and being a fun parent and letting him stay up just a little longer so I have more time with him. I am racked with guilt when I am comforting his baby sister and not playing with him. I am racked with guilt when I am not patient with him. These feelings of inadequacy have been weighing heavy on me. Before conference, David and I were talking about what we wanted to hear and questions we wanted answered. I told him I needed someone to talk about mothers and to tell me I could do this. My prayers were answered by Elder Holland. I felt like he was speaking right to me. He said many things I loved, but these words stuck with me, and will forever.
When speaking of the love a mother has for her child…”this kind of resolute love suffereth long and is kind, seeketh not her own but beareth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things”. I know that I can endure this…even if I don’t want to face it.
When I am feeling inadequate, when I am guilty for not spending enough time with Ollie, when I am struggling with faith in what the future holds, I will remember these words. I hope you will too.